I AM NOT WORTHY

I just wanted to say thanks to all the hipsters out there for giving their extra, highly valuable, attention to the following things. Thanks to you enduring nomads of cool, bouncing around from one culturally fab thing to another all the while not being bogged down by the pitfalls of life such as responsibility, maturity, and self-confidence, you have managed to shine such a light...such an abso-fucking-lutely bright light of your love onto the following things that finally, simple, bumpkins, like me have been forced to withdraw from partaking or enjoying them.

I can sleep with peace again, knowing that the purveyors of culture out there are safe guarding what really matters: Hip stuff, out of hands of the likes of me...often at the cost of their own dignity.

So I'd like to extend a hand of gratitude and say thanks for damning me from the following things:

1) Fedoras: A classic hat, once worn by blues musicians or distinguished gentleman who earned their cool, has been taken in the loving arms, at once, of the thousands of Brooklyn residents who crave individuality. I don't even dare look cool now.

2) Vests: Vintage worsted wool vests to be specific. Another apparel of distinction of the proper gentleman, now it is the de-facto go to garment to start one's decent into cool. Some brazen hipsters sought to brandish it for themselves before regular folks like me decided to sully it's cool, vintage nature. I am ashamed of myself for even thinking about treading on the hipster individuality.

3) Converse sneakers: No skinny jean clad hipster guy/gal is complete without a pair of these. I tried wearing them once but within seconds of being on my feet they unlaced themselves and walked away in disgust to a P J Harvey tune. Hipsters are seeking judicial action to turn these treasured sneaks into Brooklyn only property.

4) B&W photography: Regular folks thought B&W was brilliant, pretentious, confusing, artsy but only the hipster had the "cool" sense to call it "mandatory" . Thanks to hipsters, sales of B&W photography books are on a steady rise. Escalating this, once obscure, practice of picture making into the upper echelons of Borders book shelves. For decades B&W photography couldn't gain popularity on it's own.

5) Organic food: It takes a special soul (preferably Williamsburg based) to understand how much better organic food is for us. The common man simply lives with the ignorance of eating GM fruits and vegetables because he/she has been taught to believe that if it wasn't for GM techniques, 90% of human population would face starvation since the Earth's soil is not capable on it's own to support a population of 6+ billion people....people like me are morons. A hipster understands that organic food has a closer connection to mother Earth, a more scared bond...and it is free of evil corporate practices.

6) Indie music: Once simply known as Independent music. A land of artists who riled against despicable practices of big music labels. However, thanks to the hipsters insatiable demand of everything non-mainstream Indie music is a thriving, bustling powerhouse in the American music scene today. Lot of the indie bands gets regular coverage in mainstream glossies, featured on music related TV shows on mainstream channels, their music used on primetime shows and commercials, and endorsements. Yes, thanks to the hipsters love for the obscure, the once reclusive indie rockers are now gleefully on billboards fighting the man.

7) American Apparel: I once made the mistake of walking through the aisles of this arcadia of the hipsters. I have since made penance by having promised the management never to go in there again. I was banished to Conway to pay $3.00 for simple shirts. The minimalism of solid color shirts of American Apparel modeled by the company's employees, in what is considered a style of soft erotica, is something only a hipster can understand. Simpletons like me think it's soft core porn to sell shirts which are $25 overpriced. People like me are the "man".

8) Wine and Micro-breweries: Wine coolers are the only thing be-fitting likes of me...or worse, Budweiser and possibly Coors Light. I wouldn't understand the value of Yellow tail wines or Brooklyn lager beer.

9) Michael Cera: Regular folks enjoy their actors showing a range in their craft. Actors who can portray different characters convincible. Hipsters know that that's a sham. A person is one being and one mind and it should be the same in acting, hence accepting Michael Cera. He is a young gifted man of persistence. Giving same solid performance in every movie and show. Like how he played the shy, sensitive, soft spoken and effeminate George Michael in the show Arrested Development, or how he was wonderful in Superbad as the shy, sensitive, soft spoken and effeminate young teen. Also did you see his brilliance in portraying the shy, sensitive, soft spoken and effeminate young father to be in Juno. I am sure he is equally brilliant as a shy, sensitive, soft spoken and effeminate teen in Nick and Norah's infinite playlist. People like me call that "Thank your lucky stars people like watching you playing a loser in everything", but hipsters call that practicing a craft to it's highest level.

10) Scarlett Johansson...see#9, except she is a the sultry, confused, sexually expressive and morose woman coming of age.

This is but a small inkling of the things hipsters have taken under their wing to safe guard from the likes of the me and other common folk. It's a shame because those who are ignorant might call hipsters cultural zombies, sheep, narcissistic fucktards, and other such horrific names, but it's only our lack of understanding the nuances of the mind on the edge of cool.

We owe them.