TEACH ME TO FEEL THINGS.

I just heard Beyonce's new song and man...this woman has balls to insult a whole gender like that (to be fair pretty much all of R&B on female side is insulting guys)

In the song Beyonce, so wisely, imagines what life would be like if she was a boy, which is really a subtle way of saying being a girl is far better (maybe it is. If i had great set of titties i'd need nothing else)

Here is my take on the song.



If I were a boy "

You wouldn't be famous. You wouldn't date a multi-millionaire and most likely wouldn't be one yourself. Half of your appeal is your good feminine looks.

"even just for a day,
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go
drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls,"

Yeah...because all of us do that. I don't go to work early every morning...nope...I get up and go drink beer with the guys. Only women get up and go earn money to pay bills and feed themselves. We, as boys, have absolutely nothing to do...at all.


"I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I’d never get confronted for it
cause they'd stick up for me"

Ever tried out hanging out with an outrageously gay guy while being completely straight yourself? Nope, no stares there. Thank god guys are completely free of having their masculinity questioned all the time or being forced into gender roles. Also, as we all know, only guys lie for their friends. Women are pillars of honesty.


"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
how it feels to love a girl,
I swear I'd be a better man"

Here I was raised to think that being an educated, ambitious, caring, courteous, hard working, loyal, and respectful were qualities of a better man. Also, Beyonce has supposedly done studies with test control groups to come to a conclusion that ONLY women love. A man has never felt an emotion which wasn't a byproduct of his pants being tightened. All the famous male poets and dramatists were faking that shit...they just really wanted soom Poon-tang.


"I'd listen to her
'cause I know how it hurts
when you lose the one you wanted
'cause he's taking you for granted
and everything you had got destroyed"

Now I wish I was a woman so I could feel this mythical thing called emo..emot...ot...emotions...did I spell that correctly? Man, being the magical equestrain that he is, is free of such pitiful characteristics that plague women. He laughs at such nonsense, but secretly, in his granite chiseled heart, he longs to feel such things.


"If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
tell everyone it's broken
so they think
that I was sleeping alone "

Or you couldn't pay your phone bill because your music career didn't work out. Also you wouldn't tell your boys you're sleeping alone...you'd say things like "yeah, I broke my phone while I was banging these twin bitches hardcore, all night, non-stop...while doingcharity work"

"I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
'cause I know that she’d be faithful,
waiting for me to come home
(to come home)"

Ok, this is the only part that rings true. Lot of guys are guilty of this (not me, I am a fantastic lover). You win this one Beyonce.


"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
how it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man"

So I should take Love: 101 classes at the Learning Annex because I have nothing better to do. A woman's chemistry allows her to come out of the womb feeling intense longing and intimacy with her soulmate...while us douchebags have to spend our entire lives simply understanding the mere concept of it. Loving will make a better functioning citizen of society.

"I’d listen to her"

You wouldn't have a choice...she won't shut up.

"cause I know how it hurts
when you lose the one you wanted
cause he’s taken you for granted
and everything you had got destroyed!"

No you didn't...pretty much everything you have is still intact. Enron employees had everything they had destroyed. Katrina victims had everything they had destroyed, victims from various genocides all around the world had everything they had destroyed. People who break up don't. Heartbreak is a lot better than missing limbs or, you know, death.

"It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think I'd forgive you like that?!
If you thought I would wait for you, you thought wrong"

Now you're starting to sound like a guy.

"But you're just a boy,
you don't understand
how it feels to love a girl"

Then who the fuck would? Lesbiens?. It's not like we don't choose to be in love, nay, we're forced at gunpoint to fall in love therefore we don't understand it. Or we do it like it's a job...but wait, we don't have jobs because we wake up and drink beer with our other unemployed "boys".

Also is Beyonce implying that only girls know "how to love a girl"?...is she saying all girls are lesbiens? I've seen hard liquor make hetro women go 0 to lesbo in 10 seconds but I thought that was a college thing.

"someday you'll wish you were a better man..."

Someday I wish you would take sociology classes or read any book that isn't a Blomingdales catalog.

"You don't listen to her,
you don't care how it hurts"

Yup, women got the market on pain cornered according to you. I, as a man, live a fuck-happy existence.

"until you lose the one you wanted
'cause you taken her for granted
and everything you had got destroyed"

If I lost a girl and everything I had got destroyed following that break-up, then clearly I am looking at filing criminal charges against the bitch. If I end up convicting her she's gonna realize how she took freedom and lack of forced anal rape for granted.

"but you're just a boy..."

Thank god.