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5 reasons you’re already happy but may not know it

Are you sad, lonely, hate everything, constantly worry you’re childhood dreams of being an astronaut went nowhere? Relax…you may already be happy and not know it. You see happiness is not earned or gained, it is realized. I know all of us know a few people in our lives who always seem cheery and all googly eyed about every possibility available in life and how everyday is laced with the juice of God’s balls. Well guess what…those people are really more miserable than you. Don’t believe me…read on

I present to you 5 reasons happiness is already within you.


#5: “The glass is not half empty, it is half full”...Who cares, drink from the water fountain, problem solved. Lazy people are chided for not being ambitious but they know a secret that most of us don’t; there is always an alternative to your problems. You see as a child you’re raised to believe that suffering through harsh problems builds character. While that is true, but 95% of the time that character turns out to be a jaded, disgruntled, often violent douchebag who considers hard drinking a mini, every day, vacation.

Nearly all of the problems you face during life are human generated. Isn’t that crazy? It’s like being forced to play a game you can’t even stand. I say why? It’s not fair. Next time you’re facing a dilemma realize this; there is always a whiny, non-tough route out of this shit pile you’re in. Stop blaming yourself and blame life. If people are turned off by this attitude than good. You’ve weeded out the ones that are secretly jealous of you and your ingenuity.


#4: You don’t live in Africa or the Middle East. This is pretty much self explanatory to everyone who has watched the news at least 5-6 times in the last 7-10 yrs. Those guys have it tough. See their problems matter. I am not saying your problems don’t really matter but they don’t. Oh...I guess I am saying that but that’s not an insult. In fact, it’s like an everyday x-mas present…at the expense of dignity and pain of someone you’ll never meet. How wonderful is it that your daily battle with life consists of your inability to stay off carbs after 8pm. In Africa simply dreaming about carbs after 8pm (or anytime) most likely invites a beating where fists are are replaced with
machetes.

A can of beans in Zimbabwe costs 2 billion dollars…2 billion. You’re already a multi billionaire according to African standards. If you’re still feeling unhappy or consider yourself unlucky than you’re a sourpuss douchebag and that means…


#3:”…You’re already on your way to happiness” Seriously? Yes. Here is a little secret of life that your parents purposely don’t tell you because they don’t want a Zoloft popping emo at age 4; you’re never going to be happy. Seriously, there is no such thing. The best you can get is contentment but that’s not saying much.

Humans, by nature are greedy bastards. As soon as we have something we really wanted we realize we really wanted the other one, the one more expensive. Those people I mentioned before, who are always happy are chasing a fairy that is the biggest tease in the world, they secretly envy you. You actively show your lousy attitude towards life and that makes you a better person because secretly inside these peppy gnomes are trying so hard to suppress their inner douche…and trust me, everyone has an inner douche, who given the opportunity will easily complete in a race to out douche the other douches for the douchiest douche award. Your misery is honest; it’s not some quality you’re trying to display, not some front.

You, not trying to, even remotely, see the better side of things actually leaves you less stressed. Those wise maxim spewing weirdoes you meet have to spend so much energy just trying to contain themselves from falling apart and contentment just leaves you as a shell of your former self, whereas ranting and bitching might get you a popular blog and an eventual book deal.



#2: Childhood dream jobs suck” Yup. There is a good reason 99.99999% of us don’t grow up following our dreams…because, it turns out (and another thing your parents, who secretly hate you it seems, didn’t tell you) it’s really really really really hard to you know…to do that.

You wanted to be a president when you were 5? Pffftt, look at how much work that is. No thank you. You have to make decisions that can possibly make your lazy brain hemorrhage. Insurance salesman is far easier.

You wanted to be an astronaut when you were 6? Good lord you know much studying that is? I was too lazy to even Google up the amount of shit you have to do to go into space…oh and speaking of space, it sucks. It’s nothing like the movies. No sexy aliens, no nut sizzling star ships, mind bending alternate universes where a much, much better you exists…nope, nothing like that. It’s cold, really cold, empty, boring and even shitting in space requires hours of planning. You hear that? Next time you take 4-5 secs to do pull down your pants and blow out a massive one think about that and realize how happy you really are being here, flipping burgers.

You wanted to be a doctor? 8+ years of school and the studying doesn’t end there, it never ends. You also have to deal with people who are disgusting and want you to fix them. Ewwwwww. 2yrs of community college leaves you plenty of time to bartend and think about how you should haven’t wasted 2 yrs of you time at a community college taking philosophy and lit courses.

Don’t even get started on being a cowboy, a pirate, a ninja and every other insanely awesome job. They all eventually lead to Hernias, serious bruises, boredom, scurvy, raging homosexuality and suicide.
I hope you can understand why a career in data entry is far more fulfilling than one which isn’t laughed at.



And #1 reason you’re already happy but you may not know it



“Everyone will die, just like you”…and most likely poop a little after passing their last breath, just like you. Really puts shit into perspective huh? If you’re not positively chirping like a harpy by now then you’re still conditioned by the dogma of society. You see everyone you’ve ever met (with the possible exception of your choice drug dealer) wants you to make something of yourself, to grow yourself as a person, to be a valuable member of society. What they don’t tell you is that no matter who you are or what you may became, society only cares about you as long as you do what they say…sucks huh. You have no choice.

Yo Yo Ma is a respected, highly skilled and talented cellist, you think he earned the right to do whatever he wants but the minute he starts kicking puppies for fun he will be hated. His albums will sell as fast as …well classical music sells…but you know what I mean. No matter what you accomplish you’ll never be really who you are because, as a human, intrinsically you’re most likely a violently retarded douche sandwich who must be kept away from public at all times.

Society, like religion is all about indoctrination and control. Do whatever you want as long as you do what they say. This is the #1 cause of unhappiness during our lives. Eventually you realize that most your accomplishments are usually shallow attempts at fame…and that’s not even the worst thing…

…The universe doesn’t even care about you. You are a statistical blip and god knows Mother Nature (the only love she knows is exceedingly violent tough love) spends every waking moment of her life trying to prove that to you. To the universe, you’re an expendable dipshit. Want proof? Look at death. You could be a piss poor excuse for a human being or a billionaire with a heart of gold; literally, in both scenarios you’ll die an equally disgusting death.

Nature is the ultimate beaurocrat and she only thinks of the bottom line. The minute you stop being useful she’ll fuck your shit up with the compassion equivalent of a 50cent song. It doesn’t matter who you are. If nature could wipe away (with our help of course) an extremely kickass animal like the Saber tooth tiger than your Prada wearing ass has zero chance. So what use does human realized accomplishments have when ultimately you have to answer to the fungi and worms that will eat you? They don’t care how defined your abs are, how many cars you owned, who you fucked or didn’t fuck, and how bitchin your hair was.

They don’t care one bit.

At this point you should be fucking ecstatic. Like Luke Skywalker you already had the force within you, but, unlike Luke Skywalker, you don’t have to do shit with it or prove to anyone anything. Any which way Luke will smell just as bad as you when you both go all dead and shit.

Life is awesome and so are you. Happiness is already within you and I just proved it.

YES, YES YOU ARE WELCOME.