THE TIMELY TELLING TALES OF TIMMY THE TOOL

It's a bit sad, but a necessary, fact of life that everything, from the smallest to the biggest, is generalized into a certain category at one point or another. Is it because there is so much to see and do in this world that there exists no other way to survive with so much stimulus bombarding the human mind? That we need to prescribe certain qualities to everything for a less filling, but, ultimately far more bearable, experience? I guess so. I certainly am a practitioner of this technique and everyone who says they aren't are liars.

We do this to people by attaching religious, ethnic, nationalistic, physical, economic and dozens of other types of stereotypes to them. We do this to animals too (I.e See a tiger = run, because all tigers hate people , whereas you see a kitten = pet and possibly steal out of adorable greed). These devices seem to serve many purposes; As a coping mechanism, a sort of a buffer for the mind, a defense mechanism, a tool honed out of our perpetual fear of everything. But generalizations, for the most part, are earned. Tigers, throughout history, had to attack many unsuspecting, confused, innocent and stupid people to earn their basic reputation of being malignant sourpusses. Even people earn their stereotype stripes. Now what about stereotypes forged, not out of fear, but out of supreme douchebaggery? Stereotypes that didn't need to exist, but do, solely due to the unwavering doucheness of it's holder. Who do I speak of you say? BMW drivers of course.

I, personally, love BMWs. They are beautiful, powerful machines that are supremely fun to drive and they hold their resale value extremely well They are especially more attractive to me because I do not come close to being able to afford one. So I wonder at what point did BMW's awesomeness got lost in translation when it comes to their owners. To be more frank; why are most of them such tools on and off the road? I do not personally know many BMW owners but I had the chance to get to know one. Within the first 5 minutes of our acquaintance it became apparent that a girthy turd log, laid by me, then dressed up in doll clothes with toy eyes attached would exude far more character and personality than the BMW owning gentleman. I presumed it would also be more intelligent and hold a conversation better. I am sure my presumtion would still hold up correct. That is not to say all BMW owners are less appealing than homemade turd dolls...no, just this particular gentleman I met.

The road is where the BMW drivers really shine in their white knuckle douchebaggery. Is there something about German engineering that causes the human mind to lose all courtesy and respect for their fellow human beings on the road? Do the autobahn inspired ponies alter the perception of the driver to make it seems as if the other cars weren't moving along with them, but rather standing still for the amusement of the driver to weave in and out and around of. Must be the case because I can't spot a BMW on a highway not displaying such exemplary behavior of master tooldom. Granted the 3 series is slightly more inspired than my 97 sentra, that, however, does not grant the owner a douche license to treat drivers like dirt on the road. It is almost an assured phenomenon to see a BMW careening in and out of traffic with such an aggressive mean streak that it makes you wonder if each single one is carrying a woman going into labor. Maybe BMW's do make it radically easy for tools to knock up women and then 9 months later drive them to an hospital mid-labor.

In the collection of douchetards and toolbag gallery of BMW drivers, none is more perverse and prolific than the young "daddy's money" Beemer driving male douche. Most often spiky haired and Armani donned, this brand of uber-douche driver is the reason I am almost ashamed to even like such a fine automobile. The thought of someone even mildly associating me with these t-bags is unnerving. Oh, how I long to feel the thundering vibrations exuding from gravel shattering, torque producing, sex machine that is the BMW 3 series but slowly (or it may already have been) the sex appeal is being turned into a collective distaste for BMWs. All because of aggressive and dickly nut sacks who take every opportunity to remind other drivers on the road the power of a rich parent's wallet. I can only envision these beloved progenies spending the better part of their day at the gym and then getting ready to meet up with their other douche like friends for a night out of chasing girls (HINT* harassing) and generally engaging in their nightly doucheathon. There may come a day when I gain enough monetary momentum to afford this German anmut, though, unfortunately, from that day on I'll ride under the shadows of these dillholes. Plagued by the constant stares of other judging me, deeming me the likes of them...

and that gets my goat. Boy does that get my goat. That grabs my goat by its goaty neck and sodomizes it violently and repeatedly. I feel a deep sense of sorrow for me and non-dickweed BMW owners. Those who trust and respect the power of their wheels. Those who aspire to be above the rising populace of tool time Beemer riders...

..all 3-4 of you. Yes, every car which is popular has its negative stereotypes ( I am looking at you balding Vette dudes and Fire Island time share owning Miata guys) but none bears more examples than the undeserving BMW. The Miata queens aren't hellbent on chasing me off the road in their rush to get somewhere, neither is the mid-life crisis Corvette rider gaining on me at supersonic speed, only to cut me off and give me a metaphorical middle finger. No, BMW driving douche...you do that. Only you.


...and maybe some Benz owners.