TIPS FOR WOMEN: 5 WAYS TO GET DRUNK FOR FREE

In my regular attempts to help the ladiesssssss figure out the very simple corssword puzzle that is man I present to you:

HOW TO GET A MAN TO BUY YOU DRINKS.


Ask yourself...

Do you think you're a beautiful woman who shouldn't have to pay for her own drinks?

Do you think that equality has a glass ceiling of equal pay, equal benefits and equal right, that all the rest is a man's duty?

Do you have best friends named Mercedes or Lexus who have a net worth equivlent of an 89 Corolla? Can't depend on them for a drunken night out right...

Why should a woman, in this day and age have to pay for her own drinks or even food for that matter? SHE SHOULDN'T. Women today have too much to deal with. Having to pay your way through life fairly is not an option in a hectic world of best friend dating dramas, sex and the city marathons on TBS, general bitching and moaning, PMS...I mean come on, how much does the menstrual cycle suck!!! huh...huh and men, those evil bastards.

(NOTE: Being a manly, man, that I am, who has no worries of menstrual cycle I really don't know what PMS feels like and thank the good lord I don't, frankly speaking...ya'll bitches get buck wild on that shit)

Clearly financial decision concerning water with 2 drops of liquior in it at NYC (or any major city) clubs does not have a place in a modern woman's life. So I present a general list of ideas, tips and helpful hints to get you going on your way of financial freedom.

Never again will you spend a dime on your self. Men make 25% more than woman, so you should make sure they spend that 25% on YOU, you and you alone.

REMEMBER THE FOLLOWING ARE SUGGESTIONS ONLY. PRACTICE WITH CAUTION AND PUT YOUR OWN CREATIVE SPIN ON IT IF YOU DESIRE.



1) BODY LANGUAGE

Never underestimate the subtle, subconcious and concious visual cues your body language gives off to the opposite sex. This can be a very powerful tool in your advantage. You'll be drinking and making questionable moves and mistakes in no time with this simple tip.

Are you a misrebale, man hating, femi nazi who grows even angrier every minute she sits liquiorless and man less at a club while your busty, far more attractive friend is lighting up the floor? Well consider why this is so? Thats right, its your appaling body language. Do not sit in a club with your arms across your body, folded, screaming disinterest in all social interaction. Instead try this...

Lean back, facing opposite the bartender. Lean your torso on the bar and firmly spread your legs. Think Basic Instinct but with 90% less class. If you're wearing jeans then don't be afriad to scratch yourself. That screams familiar territory to a average guy. If you're in a miniskirt or evening dress then keep opening and closing your legs. This sends waves of air with hidden sexual cues towards the direction of your walking credit card. Same way Native Americans sent smoke signals, you send air signals by flapping your legs in rhythmic pattern. IT REALLY WORKS. Remember, body language is key.

2) PHYSICAL PROWESS

Ask any man; a woman that can tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is a woman we wanna buy drinks for. Knowing how to do this doesn't acually mean you're a good kisser (actually all it means is that you have strong muscles) but this is all about illusion. You wanna give him and illusion that you're a sexy vixen who can kiss like a goddess and that you're not completely broke as shit and desperate for any alcohol to touch your broke ass lips.

Illusion is key...in more ways than one.

But whats this....you say you don't know how to do that? Don't worry. You don't have to be talented...in fact thats the reason you're doing this in the first place. A quick solution to this problem is to have pre tied knots handy in your bag, or wherever else you can have quick access. Three or four should be enough. You may reuse the knots when bar hopping. Simply place an untied cherry knot in your mouth, drop something on the floor and have the guy pick it up and Viola! place the tied one in your mouth and lo and behold...he is ordering you another glass of their finest boxed wine.

NOTE:This goes without saying but should be mentioned anyway. This technique works only when you have caught the attention of a man but are losing his interest or he is literally brain dead. Do not place untied cherry stems in your mouth in front of a random, rich, guy and come back 2 minutes later with a tied one. Its not believable and is, frankly, very creepy.

3)CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN, ABSENCE OF CLOTHING MAKES A WOMAN...DRUNK

Ever heard the famous saying "Less is more"? You know who said it? A satisfied drunk woman. She understood the age old secret of seducing a normal man, the powerful weapon every attractive woman has (technically a guy will buy a hideous girl drinks just to get her to cover up, so the weapon works both ways) NUDITY, and the near complete presence of it.

Low cut blouse, see through blouse, bras showing through, see through bras, no bras, revealing halter tops, tube tops...the possibilities are endless. Nature did not intend beautiful women to cover up. Name one animal or even a human being who was or is born clothed? None. You are born nude, and leave this Earth nude so get nude as much as you can in between those two monumentous occasions.

It is a proven scientific fact that there are intrinsic sexual urges in men associated with the very unique shape of a woman's breast. It is unlike any known shape in nature. Men love breasts, for example: Most delicious part of a chicken? Chicken breasts. Even in other species men find utter attraction to breasts. Women, you should use this to your complete advantage. I do not even have to mention the vagina and it's mesmirizing spell on men. Breasts should be more than enough to get you drunk and happy.

Like a wise man once said " So loosen that top, let em plop, and watch the men drop, as your drinkin don't stop"

(NOTE: That wise man is me)

4) PLAY THE PART

Roleplaying is a deep rooted part of humanity. From the ancient greek theater to the 10 billion dollars a year Hollywood industry, people love pretending to be something else and men love buying drinks for that exotic, different, woman.

You have a Louis Vetton bag, have a Yves Saint Laurent top, a beautiful Dolce & Gabbana skirt and the new Armani perfume exuding appeal....YAWWWNNN.

You've gone so out of your way to be trendy that you've rendered yourself utterly penniless in the process. Yet still, your blood alcohol level is in negative numbers and your bank account even lower. Why?...you're like everybody. No man cares.

How to remedy this? Roleplaying. It is a scientific fact that Catholic school girls are hot, hot, HOTTTT. From their seductive school clothing to their incredibly oppressed sexuality under a horribly strict religious doctrine. This screams sexuality. Get a cheap miniskirt, plaided, a plain white dress shirt tied in a knot (unlike the cherry stem, you don't have to use your mouth to tie this knot). You may not have passed basic algebra in school, or may not have even been to school all that much but you can pretend like you do with great sexuality oozing through. Little touches go a long way; reading glasses, thigh high stockings, school girl shoes and a yard stick. If you're dedicated then take a math textbook with you (which is really conceling 4 shot glasses). You'll be boozed up thinking that you're still actually in school in no time, even though most likely you work at a cubicle and walk dogs to make rent. But remember, roleplaying is key. Be different, be unique....


don't be you.

5) A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED

Hey! remember that broke ass friend of yours? Yeah, the same one who is looking to get to some free hootch just as desperately as you. Use her, use each other to your advantage. It is a proven scientific fact that 2 women making out will catch a guy's attention FASTER than lighting his own testicles on fire. Nothing turns on a alpha male bozo faster than 2 women making out. The appeal is so strong that the women don't even have to be very attractive, they can even be a mild pain to the eyes, it still works.

Just grab your friend and feel her up a little. Make very specific, yet smooth and subtle sexual moves towards your girlfriend. Run your finger down her face, lazily close your eyes as you do it. Stroke her hair or softly grab her neck as you lean towards her ears, but make sure you pass by very close proximity of her lips as your reach for her ears to utter something. This is will attract a man across a dance floor, bar, street, even another state. BE CAREFUL; THIS IS A VERY POWERFUL TECHNIQUE. This is always guaranteed to work. No questions asked. You and your broker or equally broke friend will be drunk and content in no time. Dignity is not a factor when money is concerned. Seriously...you could be in a wheelchair, with an eye patch and a parrot on your shoulder...as long as you're making out with another woman you'll be winning.



CAUTION; Combining tips 4 and 5 can cause diasterous results. Take every precaution when pretending to be a bi, catholic school girl, slut. A very volitile combination of false sexuality. Men will crumble in ecstasy.




Well there you have it. A little tip of the iceberg in a ocean of techniques of how seduce willing, horny, men. Don't have to be easy, just give the illusion that you are, because 95% of social mating game is an Illusion. Contrived lies and contrived appearences which we must yield to our advantage. Honesty never gets anyone drunk, an illusion of a better you does...

...Honestly.


Goodluck in your man hunting.