TEACH ME TO FEEL THINGS.

I just heard Beyonce's new song and man...this woman has balls to insult a whole gender like that (to be fair pretty much all of R&B on female side is insulting guys)

In the song Beyonce, so wisely, imagines what life would be like if she was a boy, which is really a subtle way of saying being a girl is far better (maybe it is. If i had great set of titties i'd need nothing else)

Here is my take on the song.



If I were a boy "

You wouldn't be famous. You wouldn't date a multi-millionaire and most likely wouldn't be one yourself. Half of your appeal is your good feminine looks.

"even just for a day,
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go
drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls,"

Yeah...because all of us do that. I don't go to work early every morning...nope...I get up and go drink beer with the guys. Only women get up and go earn money to pay bills and feed themselves. We, as boys, have absolutely nothing to do...at all.


"I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I’d never get confronted for it
cause they'd stick up for me"

Ever tried out hanging out with an outrageously gay guy while being completely straight yourself? Nope, no stares there. Thank god guys are completely free of having their masculinity questioned all the time or being forced into gender roles. Also, as we all know, only guys lie for their friends. Women are pillars of honesty.


"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
how it feels to love a girl,
I swear I'd be a better man"

Here I was raised to think that being an educated, ambitious, caring, courteous, hard working, loyal, and respectful were qualities of a better man. Also, Beyonce has supposedly done studies with test control groups to come to a conclusion that ONLY women love. A man has never felt an emotion which wasn't a byproduct of his pants being tightened. All the famous male poets and dramatists were faking that shit...they just really wanted soom Poon-tang.


"I'd listen to her
'cause I know how it hurts
when you lose the one you wanted
'cause he's taking you for granted
and everything you had got destroyed"

Now I wish I was a woman so I could feel this mythical thing called emo..emot...ot...emotions...did I spell that correctly? Man, being the magical equestrain that he is, is free of such pitiful characteristics that plague women. He laughs at such nonsense, but secretly, in his granite chiseled heart, he longs to feel such things.


"If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
tell everyone it's broken
so they think
that I was sleeping alone "

Or you couldn't pay your phone bill because your music career didn't work out. Also you wouldn't tell your boys you're sleeping alone...you'd say things like "yeah, I broke my phone while I was banging these twin bitches hardcore, all night, non-stop...while doingcharity work"

"I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
'cause I know that she’d be faithful,
waiting for me to come home
(to come home)"

Ok, this is the only part that rings true. Lot of guys are guilty of this (not me, I am a fantastic lover). You win this one Beyonce.


"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
how it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man"

So I should take Love: 101 classes at the Learning Annex because I have nothing better to do. A woman's chemistry allows her to come out of the womb feeling intense longing and intimacy with her soulmate...while us douchebags have to spend our entire lives simply understanding the mere concept of it. Loving will make a better functioning citizen of society.

"I’d listen to her"

You wouldn't have a choice...she won't shut up.

"cause I know how it hurts
when you lose the one you wanted
cause he’s taken you for granted
and everything you had got destroyed!"

No you didn't...pretty much everything you have is still intact. Enron employees had everything they had destroyed. Katrina victims had everything they had destroyed, victims from various genocides all around the world had everything they had destroyed. People who break up don't. Heartbreak is a lot better than missing limbs or, you know, death.

"It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think I'd forgive you like that?!
If you thought I would wait for you, you thought wrong"

Now you're starting to sound like a guy.

"But you're just a boy,
you don't understand
how it feels to love a girl"

Then who the fuck would? Lesbiens?. It's not like we don't choose to be in love, nay, we're forced at gunpoint to fall in love therefore we don't understand it. Or we do it like it's a job...but wait, we don't have jobs because we wake up and drink beer with our other unemployed "boys".

Also is Beyonce implying that only girls know "how to love a girl"?...is she saying all girls are lesbiens? I've seen hard liquor make hetro women go 0 to lesbo in 10 seconds but I thought that was a college thing.

"someday you'll wish you were a better man..."

Someday I wish you would take sociology classes or read any book that isn't a Blomingdales catalog.

"You don't listen to her,
you don't care how it hurts"

Yup, women got the market on pain cornered according to you. I, as a man, live a fuck-happy existence.

"until you lose the one you wanted
'cause you taken her for granted
and everything you had got destroyed"

If I lost a girl and everything I had got destroyed following that break-up, then clearly I am looking at filing criminal charges against the bitch. If I end up convicting her she's gonna realize how she took freedom and lack of forced anal rape for granted.

"but you're just a boy..."

Thank god.

CAREER CHANGE

Everyday I patiently wait for my train to arrive. I can only take two differnt trains to my stop and it just so happens that those 2 are the most depressing trains known to man.

I am talking about the V and R trains. While waiting I often see the N and W train pass by and gee-whiz do they look snazzy. The glowing white lights of heavenly lumnescence, the shiny stainless steel bars (or Aluminum, who knows), thoughtful stop display displaying the trains route, and complete abscence of all mysterious smells...

...come to think of it, I've never seen a hobo on the new trains.

The R or the V...no such thing. Come on, is our rider demographic so bad or poor we can't get new trains?

I am tired of riding these trains. They encompass all that is depressing about the MTA.

1) The orange and yellow seats.

Orange is a peppy color, full of excitement, so is yellow but not these trains. It probably was bright and fresh once, but after years of being sat on by wholy rigrious asses of New Yorkers and accumilating mystery stains from god knows who, that color has turned into a sad, dull, shell of it's former self.

2) The equally depressing lighting.

The N and W trains have this bright, white lights which inspires confidence and passion. Almost gives you energy...not the case with V and R (or F) It just inspires suicide, homelessness and general disregard of any and all dreams you have. Riding for up to 40 minutes in those pale yellow beams is equal to being told "you suck asshole" for 40 mins by the person you love the most. I am sure this was the lighting used to get information out of detaniees from Guantanamo bay.

3) The wonderful information bar.

The new trains display travel information, weather and time. It has a bar which displays which stops have passed and which are ahead...all encompanied by that wonderful voice of a lovely woman letting you know where you are.

Not the R and V. Nope. Hell, most of the time you don't even know which train you're gonna jump on. I love adventure, but after a full day of work, the last thing I wanna do is star in my own personal videogame of "guess the train". Don't know where you are? good, because you sure as hell won't know where you're going then either.

and there is no lovely voice guiding you. Nope. Only loud, undiscernable, banshee screams of the heaviest accented train conductor they can find to run them. This is a text simulation of what the conductors often sound like on these trains

"HVEHVn(uh *)( hhg8OU7 NYB*(p&hgIP UHPHUIH;98 4RTH4HIUHILuSTANDCLEAROFTHECLOSINGDOORSPLEASE"

4) No Hobos

The new trains seem to have anti-hobo technology. You'll never see one in there. Maybe the lighting is so good that the hobos actually get to take a good look at themselves, scream in horror and run away. Only beautiful people are the new trains.

While I have to ride home with angriest working class, the smelliest and violent of hobos, and the obligatory sandwich passing out guy for hobos.

It's sad that homeless people are more catered to then the paying riders on some of NYC's trains. I am actually thinking of an un-career change.




So come on MTA, make me happy...or I am going hobo and leaving you incharge to feed and house me.

I AM NOT WORTHY

I just wanted to say thanks to all the hipsters out there for giving their extra, highly valuable, attention to the following things. Thanks to you enduring nomads of cool, bouncing around from one culturally fab thing to another all the while not being bogged down by the pitfalls of life such as responsibility, maturity, and self-confidence, you have managed to shine such a light...such an abso-fucking-lutely bright light of your love onto the following things that finally, simple, bumpkins, like me have been forced to withdraw from partaking or enjoying them.

I can sleep with peace again, knowing that the purveyors of culture out there are safe guarding what really matters: Hip stuff, out of hands of the likes of me...often at the cost of their own dignity.

So I'd like to extend a hand of gratitude and say thanks for damning me from the following things:

1) Fedoras: A classic hat, once worn by blues musicians or distinguished gentleman who earned their cool, has been taken in the loving arms, at once, of the thousands of Brooklyn residents who crave individuality. I don't even dare look cool now.

2) Vests: Vintage worsted wool vests to be specific. Another apparel of distinction of the proper gentleman, now it is the de-facto go to garment to start one's decent into cool. Some brazen hipsters sought to brandish it for themselves before regular folks like me decided to sully it's cool, vintage nature. I am ashamed of myself for even thinking about treading on the hipster individuality.

3) Converse sneakers: No skinny jean clad hipster guy/gal is complete without a pair of these. I tried wearing them once but within seconds of being on my feet they unlaced themselves and walked away in disgust to a P J Harvey tune. Hipsters are seeking judicial action to turn these treasured sneaks into Brooklyn only property.

4) B&W photography: Regular folks thought B&W was brilliant, pretentious, confusing, artsy but only the hipster had the "cool" sense to call it "mandatory" . Thanks to hipsters, sales of B&W photography books are on a steady rise. Escalating this, once obscure, practice of picture making into the upper echelons of Borders book shelves. For decades B&W photography couldn't gain popularity on it's own.

5) Organic food: It takes a special soul (preferably Williamsburg based) to understand how much better organic food is for us. The common man simply lives with the ignorance of eating GM fruits and vegetables because he/she has been taught to believe that if it wasn't for GM techniques, 90% of human population would face starvation since the Earth's soil is not capable on it's own to support a population of 6+ billion people....people like me are morons. A hipster understands that organic food has a closer connection to mother Earth, a more scared bond...and it is free of evil corporate practices.

6) Indie music: Once simply known as Independent music. A land of artists who riled against despicable practices of big music labels. However, thanks to the hipsters insatiable demand of everything non-mainstream Indie music is a thriving, bustling powerhouse in the American music scene today. Lot of the indie bands gets regular coverage in mainstream glossies, featured on music related TV shows on mainstream channels, their music used on primetime shows and commercials, and endorsements. Yes, thanks to the hipsters love for the obscure, the once reclusive indie rockers are now gleefully on billboards fighting the man.

7) American Apparel: I once made the mistake of walking through the aisles of this arcadia of the hipsters. I have since made penance by having promised the management never to go in there again. I was banished to Conway to pay $3.00 for simple shirts. The minimalism of solid color shirts of American Apparel modeled by the company's employees, in what is considered a style of soft erotica, is something only a hipster can understand. Simpletons like me think it's soft core porn to sell shirts which are $25 overpriced. People like me are the "man".

8) Wine and Micro-breweries: Wine coolers are the only thing be-fitting likes of me...or worse, Budweiser and possibly Coors Light. I wouldn't understand the value of Yellow tail wines or Brooklyn lager beer.

9) Michael Cera: Regular folks enjoy their actors showing a range in their craft. Actors who can portray different characters convincible. Hipsters know that that's a sham. A person is one being and one mind and it should be the same in acting, hence accepting Michael Cera. He is a young gifted man of persistence. Giving same solid performance in every movie and show. Like how he played the shy, sensitive, soft spoken and effeminate George Michael in the show Arrested Development, or how he was wonderful in Superbad as the shy, sensitive, soft spoken and effeminate young teen. Also did you see his brilliance in portraying the shy, sensitive, soft spoken and effeminate young father to be in Juno. I am sure he is equally brilliant as a shy, sensitive, soft spoken and effeminate teen in Nick and Norah's infinite playlist. People like me call that "Thank your lucky stars people like watching you playing a loser in everything", but hipsters call that practicing a craft to it's highest level.

10) Scarlett Johansson...see#9, except she is a the sultry, confused, sexually expressive and morose woman coming of age.

This is but a small inkling of the things hipsters have taken under their wing to safe guard from the likes of the me and other common folk. It's a shame because those who are ignorant might call hipsters cultural zombies, sheep, narcissistic fucktards, and other such horrific names, but it's only our lack of understanding the nuances of the mind on the edge of cool.

We owe them.

VOTE OR CRY

I just saw the new PSA by Leonardo Decaprio and bunch of other A-list celebrities on voting. Besides the usual irksome nature of stars telling us what to do, it is pretty good. They tried to be unique by trying reverse psychology, the same way your parents did. It begins with the celebrities telling you to not vote if you don't care about your life. Then it goes on to say if you do care then register and vote. Here are the low points and high points.

HIGH POINTS:

Jonah Hill. He is hilarious in this. "I don't even know what the fuck Darfur is...I thought it was a t-shirt company" is just one of many different hilarious comments he makes.

Ellen Degeneres is also cute and whimsical as usual.

Halle Barry looks hot as usual

Dustin Hoffman is just a cool dude.

LOW POINTS

Why is Jennifer Aniston so condescending in this piece? When they make a mention of passing the registration link to 5 of your friends she goes on to say "God, I hope you have 5 friends"...WTF? I actively choose not to have 5 friends, saves me a lot of money during Christmas time.

Sarah Silverman. I wish this woman would disappear already. She is like the retard you have to put up with because she gets invited along with other people you want to hang out with. You're not funny. Only reason you get by your 4th grade humor is because you're woman comedian under 140lbs....a rare breed.

Leonardo's feverish desire to almost punch you if you don't register.


This PSA brings up a duality with in me. On one hand I totally get and commend these stars for doing this. Using their likeability to get the general public interested in the least liked part of society besides hobos. It is our responsibility as people to exercise our power of choice. It may not seem much, but when put in contrast with how many other countries use Gestapo measure to elect presidents...*cough dictators*cough..., it starts to become apparent that being able to have your choice matter is a very powerful thing. It truly doesn't dawn on most people what the ramifications of that little ballot paper mean in the grand scheme of things...or the total lack of it. So, in that regards, yes, voting is our duty. Paying attention to who we're putting in charge is our duty. As benign and mundane as this scrutiny over the presidential candidates may seem, it is necessary...as much as it is a business.

However, the other part of me reels from seeing elections take place in the past and yet nothing changes. It is has become a fact and a joke that amazing things will be promised and about 5% of them will be delivered. All these debates, these speeches, in the end they all amount to nothing. The same divide between the 2 parties exist and pretty much all good ideas die. Big Businesses still get their way and they just hire lobbyists to coerce the congress members to turn crimes into laws or turn the other way. Name one industry which isn't brazen in it's despicable practices. So when guys in suits promise you a utopia you can only be fooled so many times before a general malaise for politics sets in. The empathy gets passed down from generation to another. No one really believes anymore that politicians are here to serve us (few still are). It's more about taking away then giving.

How do you change so many faulty practices and deception in capitol hill when you have your own life to look after. Anyone who has a fulltime job and, even just one pet, can attest to the fact how there never seems to be enough hours in the day. Forget it if you have young kids. How do you fix the broken image of the government. I get it, you're telling us to vote, but what's the point? Universal healthcare? Terrorism? economy? Aren't these the same issues every 4 years and yet every 4 years they keep coming up again? Why? Someone must not be doing their job very well if the problems ceases to go away.

This is not all faults of politicians either. Complacency is what let's them get away with this. Americans are known for knee jerk reaction. Pretty much all of Bush's miserable failures are knee jerk reactions of intense patriotism. He marched those troops and tanks right in front of you people...he didn't surprise you when woke up the next morning. People contested this decision but look at the numbers of people against it then VS the number against it now.

But, I don't want to go off tangent so yes, the PSA is pretty cool. Most of these people are pretty to look at. If anything this is far better than the painfully obnoxious P-Diddy "Vote or die" campaign...great, I love death threats against my life. At least Dicaprio didn't follow suit and make something violent along the lines of "Vote or have your life turned into a Scorsese movie".

Go vote and have your voice heard. Will things change? Not right away. Everything this screwed up takes a glacial pace towards improvement so have hope. If you don't want to vote for either Obama or Mccain then vote independent. Just give a hoot and vote.

oh, and, if you haven't even seen what the candidates look like yet and you're only interested because you think Leonardo Dicaprio is hot then DON'T VOTE. Please, stay home.